Ode to Erik.

Funky stinky mushy poo,
It baffles me so, but Erik loves you.
Morning, noon, and always at night,
Apparently his poo is quite a sight!
It’s described in detail, and referenced too much,
This poo of his is a fixation of such.
But he doesn’t understand! He never gives up!
Information like this causes humans to up-chuck!
I’m constantly queasy from all of his talk
If I actually barfed d’ya think he’d stop?
Probably not.

And because I apparently don’t have enough f*cks…
F*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.

Now will you read my blog Erik?

I NEED THIS BOOK!

Feel:Robbie Williams
By Chris Heath

And coming soon...a world map according to amazon.co.uk shipping rates

A) UK
B) European Union Amazon Payments countries
C) US (including US protectorates)
D) Rest of World Amazon Payments countries

Protectorates, eh? Only they can protect us from themselves...

If I shagged as many women, men, and farm animals as people claim in the media, I’d be in the hospital.

Why Robbie Williams is cool as f*ck.

So I too have been sucked into reading strangers blogs. The last few hours have been spent on Johnny A Go Go. I have a sneaking suspicion that we were separated at birth. He shares my obsessions with Buffy, the BBC (and british accents), Kirsten Dunst and most importantly, Robbie Williams. Too bad he’s gay and lives in New Haven, CT…

make a wish

Friday night was a practice run for the Christmas shopping Erik and I plan to do this weekend. Scary. I’m a total Walmart whore. It has some sort of weird hold over me. It’s like a big black hole that sucks me up and spits me out hours later with a shopping cart full of bargains. I have a habit of wandering away from anyone I’ve entered the store with, and leaving them wishing they’d brought a leash. (Or at least borrowed one from the pet department.) But if they’re smart, they’ll just hang out by the DVD section and I’ll turn up sooner or later…

I was up early on Saturday to go to the Signatures craft show with my mom. It was good. There was a lot of photography this year – very nice stuff, but outta my price range. We go every year, so we usually know what to expect. Mom thinks someone should make a documentary about the crabby old lady who makes these seasame street/south park puppets out of yarn and then yells at kids who try to play with them. Seriously, she has signs all over her stand that say “hands off” and “no touching”. A few years ago I made the mistake of merely pointing towards a woolly cookie monster and she nearly made me cry! And then we heaved ass to the wool store on Queen Street. I think it’s actually called “The Wool Shop”, but because of the gi-normous selection of wool, it’s the only one that seems to count. I bought some super-soft baby alpaca wool in orange and turquoise, most likely to me made into a scarf. Or maybe two. I also found a necklace at The Beadery that I bought for myself for Christmas. I have a hard time slapping money down for pretty things, but never hesitate if it’s a DVD. We had a big breakfast for lunch, and then browsed in Indigo for books I might buy at Amazon.ca.

On Sunday Chris and I went to see The Incredibles. It was cute. That’s it. With each new Pixar release, I consistently enjoy them less and less. When I think about it, I really only love Toy Story; enjoyed A Bug’s Life, Toy Story 2, and Monsters Inc. enough to watch them a couple of times; and as for Finding Nemo and The Incredibles, I probably won’t watch them again. I think I give up on Pixar.

And an update on my posting on the Oasis forum defending Robbie Williams:

I was surprised to see my topic back at the top of the list. A bunch of people have said that it’s “ok” if people (like me) actually like him, even though they definitely do not. Geez, admitting you like (even a little) Robbie, is like admitting you enjoy water sports or squashing bugs! As well, a few more pet names have been added to the evergrowing list: fat dancing c.u.n.t, gay turd, nobhead, robbie twatface, useless prat, #### jockey…

I realise I’m sorta fixated on this, but I can’t believe the hatred these people can have for someone they’ve never met!

“i properly hate robbie williams. i would like to hit him round the head, several times, with a very heavy object.”

“someone should give him a pasting, wipe that smug, perveted paedophile kind of expression of his face. I HATE HIM.”

And y'all though I was full of rage...

Haiku for the office

What’s that smell?
Silently seducing me
Coffee break

Sticky notes
Flutter away like butterflies
Salvation?

The printer hums
Desperate for a fix of pulp
Please don’t beg

Oh black Sharpie
I secretly love your scent
Take me away

How Peculiar?

When people tell you that you’ll get used to waking up early if you have to do it every day – they’re lying! I will NEVER be a morning person. Ever. NE-VER EV-ER. So I tend to do stupid/lazy things in the morning (like spill coffee grinds on the counter!) My thumb is now sporting a Garfield band aid because this morning I broke a nail. There was blood involved. Any more details and someone (mom) is liable to heave. Suffice to say it hurt like hell! Thankfully Chris (a knight in a fuzzy bathrobe) took ALL the garbage & stuff out this morning; otherwise I may have broken more then a nail!

Brotherly love blossoms in the bible…(or this week’s Torah reading)

“Jacob, returning homeward, prepares for his encounter with brother Esau. The night before his encounter with Esau, Jacob, alone, is confronted by a mysterious assailant, who wrestles with him until dawn. The long-feared reunion is remarkably amicable and peaceful. Esau runs to great Jacob and embraces him. Up to this time, he hated Jacob, but the reunion stirs within him feelings of love, making his kiss a sincere gesture.”

Last night I attempted to watch the live action Grinch movie, (while knitting so I was only half watching it) and it was so boring (and slightly disturbing) that I had to turn it off. I can’t deal with actual tv anymore. I only watch tv on DVD or PVR’d stuff. No commercials, no waiting, no getting distracted. All though last night I gave up on tv entirely and started reading What’s Eating Gilbert Grape. Since this is one of my favourite movies and I’ve never read the book before, it’s taking some great concentration to push all the images from the movie out of my head. It’s tough because the book is quite different, but most of the dialogue in the movie has been taken directly out of the book. And how do you get the image of Johnny Depp out of your head? Ever.

Just get the old fella and whack it up against her tush

God I am SO lazy! I’m even too lazy to not work today! I really want to be at home in my bed right now with a fat cup of tea and a good book. Or Robbie Williams...

I’m a knitting typhoon this week! Although I lost several rows when my mom had to rescue my scarf from an extra stitch I gained somewhere. But now all is well in scarf land. I’m (Miss) Jonesing to start a sweater, but I think I’ll dedicate a scarf to Oasis before I move on to larger things.

I really have to start Christmas shopping. So far all I’ve done is order some stuff from Amazon (and some of it was for me cause I’m an Amazon-whore). Does anyone have any recommendations for a (3.2 ish MP) digital camera? There are way too many out there and too many people have contradictory opinions!

Not that anyone in their right mind would want one (except our ritual director), but a latte made with half milk and half half n' half is called a Breve Latte. It took me way too long to remember that today, considering I was once the Barista Champ. And now you've heard too much...

So one of my co-workers has an 11-year-old son, and he came home yesterday and told her about the “bad things” he and his classmates did at lunch. Apparently when they stay inside for recess, there is no teacher supervision – they just assume that grade 6-8’s will behave themselves. Well they don’t. First they played Truth or Dare, then Spin the Bottle, and then 7 minutes in the closet! IN THEIR CLASSROOM AT SCHOOL! What is up with that?!?! If that’s what they’re doing at school, what the hell are they doing at home? I guess times have changed…

My cat must really love me, because he ONLY barfs in MY room.

F*ck Me.

Andy Bell (Oasis’ Bassist) is in Toronto right now, and last night he did a set at The Mod Club and played a new Oasis song! (I realise none of you care, but their new album was pushed from last May to next May, so I’ve been waiting forever!)

And on the forum front…

I’ve been feuding with some of the wankers on the Oasis forum who feel the need to make reference to how fat and gay Robbie Williams is and how they wish he’d die. (The Gallagher brothers have badmouthed him a few times, so he therefore must be evil.)Nice. I frequent the forum for news about Oasis, not to read comments by ignorant homophobes who bastardize the English language. I rarely post any of my own comments, as I usually feel I have nothing substantial to add, but given my recent enlightenment to the enigma that is Robbie Williams, I felt the need to retaliate. (Plus it’s a whole lotta fun arguing with retarded sheep!) So, this is what I posted:

Why does everyone hate Robbie so much? Really? Just because Noel and Liam have badmouthed him in the past doesn’t mean he’s inherently evil or untalented. He has a great voice, his writing is very self-aware, he puts on fabulous shows, and he’s pretty cute too! Don’t get me wrong, I think Oasis are far superior musicians, but I do like his music a lot and think that people are extremely fixated on bashing him when there is much more irritating music around. I admit that I too used to think RW was just a cheesy talent less pop star, but because most of my favourite bands are from the UK (mainstream music in America is saturated with hip hop & fake pop), I thought I’d at least give him a chance. It didn’t take long until I was hooked, and my tastes are far from cheese! (Oasis, Pulp, The Jeevas, Kent, The Motorhomes) So give Robbie a break!

Here were some of the (unedited) responses:

• Let me clerify this for you... Robbie= no talent, doesnt even write most of his music, hes a ponse, an idiot, arrogent idiot and HE AND A ROCK STAR HE AINT EVEN A STAR HES A POP PUFF!
  
• Robbie "fat"william is only for kids.Oasis is for boys,girls,men,women........ oasis rules!!!!!!
  
• To be fair to thy "divine fat one", angels was a good song (did he write it?), but all this nonsense bout kids and whatnot is rubbish.
  
• Robbie Williams is a F.UCKING W.ANK STAIN!!!
  
• Robbies crap, end of it. Comparing him to Oasis is like comparing the smurfs to the Beatles. Oh by the way, my ex boss is gay and said in the early 90's they used to go to a gay club called skin in Manchester, and all of Take that went also, and theyre all knob jockeys except the one with the dreads and g barlow. Im not prejudice but its just another fake side of the fat one! In a few years hell come out the closet and ill be like, oh you dont fukin say! hes all pap!!!!!!!!!
  
  

I’m amused, but embarrassed to be an Oasis fan right now.

(The blog-worthiness of my life has been a big boring zero for the last few days. I’ve been mostly knitting, reading, watching tv, and even worse than playing video games – watching Chris play video games.)

Too Cold To Hold!

I actually went out for lunch to eat in an actual restaurant and watched the weather go from pissing rain to pellets of ice to beautiful fat flakes of snow! Yeeeeeee Hawwwwww! Winter is here!

Too Hot To Handle.

Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal are starring in Ang Lee’s next film, Brokeback Mountain, about two cowboys who fall in love in the 60’s.

Heath and Jake making out in a big Hollywood film?

Am I dreaming? Maybe.

A Dope Rhyme to Pass The Time

It’s time, to rewind, rip it back to the past, in a flash, you’ll relive, what I did, three days ago, ya know? (A dope flow for my bro, Show)

Friday evening was my highly anticipated self-screening of Robbie Williams, Show. An Elvis style set up filmed for the BBC (so swearing or ass bearing) and the first performance he had done in a year. Robbie Williams is a total superstar, not a cheesy pop star, as I once believed him to be. Whether it’s cock-rock or rat pack, that boy can sing and dance (without the aid of lip synching) even when he’s running across a stage. His lyrics refreshingly revealing and self-aware – it’s all about him, but it’s clear he’s still trying to figure out who he is. And well, he’s pretty darn cute too! He may very well make it into my top five, but only after I’ve worn out his albums and DVDs.
(For the record:
1. Oasis
2. David Usher
3. Pulp
4. Kula Shaker / The Jeevas
5. They Might Be Giants)

One aspect of the DVD that drove me insane was a game you have to play in order to see some bonus footage. There are 20 lights, and 6 of them are lit randomly, and then you have to select the same lights in the same pattern. Three rounds of this get you one clip! At my age, memory is fleeting, and even more so when you’re using a tiny DVD remote to move around. Impossible. It took half an hour, some paper, a pen and a whole lotta eyestrain to get the footage. Robbie backstage playing Sweet Home Alabama on his guitar. Badly. Was that necessary? Argh!

Then I called my mom to make myself feel younger, and she told me a story about something that happened to me when I was 3. When I was 3 I had a neighbour (who was also 3) who used to bite me EVERY SINGLE DAY! (That part I remember.) One day she drew blood, so my mom took action. She told the girl’s mom, and her only response was “so she’s a biter, big deal!” So my mom sat me down and told me that the next time this girl bit me, I should bite her back. My mom even made me practice on her! The next day the neighbour bit me. My mom pointed at her and said, “Now bite her back!” and being the obedient child I (apparently) was, I bit her. You know what, she never bit me again. And people wonder where my vampire obsession comes from…

I spent Saturday frolicking around Yorkville and drinking coffee with a cheerfully depressed Mariana. We poked around in some toy stores and I actually found a crazy cat lady action figure, complete with a whole bunch of plastic cats. Scary – everyone has seen my future! I spent a whopping $3.95. I got a cat mat (for stinky litter) and a red and blue light bulb at the dollar store, and I hit the jackpot at a used bookstore when I found an old NME with Oasis on the cover for 50 cents! I also got my QAF discs back and they now look brand spankin’ new! Yay! So I went home and watched Evil Dead II. I always forget how gut-bustingly funny Bruce Campbell is! It is possibly the most ridiculous movie ever made, but it’s oh so entertaining! I attempted some X-box play, but I really REALLY suck at video games!

Sunday I spent with my mom, first coffee at Second Cup, then more browsing in Yorkville. After shopping she made me dinner and showed me how to knit with two colours, so now my new scarf has begun! I actually went home and knit for most of the evening, stopping only for the Simpsons & Arrested Development. I’m almost finished the pattern part of the scarf. I wound down for sleep by starting Dead Man’s Walk. All I knew when I bought it was that it was a western mini-series starring Jonny Lee Miller, whom I adore immensely, and who is rarely in a bad movie. It was also only $16, so it wasn’t much of a gamble. So far I’m digging it, and I generally hate westerns. It opens with a bunch of guys watching the only woman in their group (their whore) catching a snapping turtle. They discuss her “on credit” policies as she drags the turtle up a hill. When she makes it to the top, she cackles and tosses it at two of them (cheap bastards) and they dive for safety. For breakfast there is a huge gory conversation about precisely the best way to kill yourself if you are in danger of being tortured. It’s totally grossing me out, something a movie hasn’t done to me in a long time, so I’d say I’m enjoying it!

And now I’m back to work. Listening to the saga of whether or not Lorne could be a woman’s name, because it could be a guy and the fact that we printed it in our bulletin may mean damnation to hell because it could imply that we support gay marriages. I’m not kidding.

Cat's urine glows under a black light.

and other useless cat facts...

• A cat's brain is more similar to a man's brain than that of a dog. (Duh.)
• Cats purr at the same frequency as an idling diesel engine, about 26 cycles per second.
• Cats lose almost as much fluid in the saliva while grooming themselves as they do through urination.
• Ancient Egyptian family members shaved their eyebrows in mourning when the family cat died.
• The Maine Coon cat is America's only natural breed of domestic feline. It is 4 to 5 times larger than the Singapura, the smallest breed of cat. (Sammy the Fatty)
• Cats respond most readily to names that end in an "ee" sound. (Sam-EE, Zam-EE)
• Female felines are "superfecund," which means that each of the kittens in her litter can have a different father.
• If your cat snores, or rolls over on his back to expose his belly, it means he trusts you.

Too Tired To Title Today...

I’m still sort of too sleepy to blog today, but since I skipped yesterday and it’s Friday, I thought y'all need a little update. The sleepiness is due to two late nights in a row, which never fare well with a 7 am wake up call. Wednesday night was Gilmore Girls night with my mom. We measured the test square I knitted for a scarf, and I made the appropriate graph paper for the design. Now I know how to pearl! Maybe I’ll try a sweater if all goes well with the scarf….I don’t usually watch such cutesy tv shows, but GG is really fun! It’s really all my mom’s fault – she coerced me into watching it and I’ve been hooked ever since! It’s always slightly disconcerting when two characters FINALLY get together (after years of deliberation), because that’s when the show usually gets boring beyond words and the writers run out of ways to create tension. Luckily GG has plenty of weird & wacky characters and fantastic writers (Rebecca Rand Kirshner & Jane Espenson, former Buffy-ites.)

After the show I rushed back to Greektown to meet the 3QFers, Steve and the wacky birthday girl Birigitte for dinner. (I actually just drank tea because my mom filled me up with some fabulous homemade soup, therefore further perpetuating the notion that I don’t eat.) The highlights of the evening were Birigitte’s ability to keep me giggling (and Steve shaking his head), and the prospect of a horror-a-thon. Thanks to mutual love of the genre, I foresee an evening in the near future of refreshingly revolting slasher flicks with Birigette and Co.!

Last night I attended the (Second Annual) One Minute Film & Video Festival orchestrated by Meredith, Amy and roomie-Matt. The place was packed to the ceiling! My favourite’s (not including my buddies Chris, Matt or Daniel, cause well, we all know their films were the best, not that I’m biased or anything…) Ratta-Tooi, Never the First, Sex & Cecile, Time Flies and My First Digital Camera (but only the 1st time it played, when the digital disturbances appeared intentional – no offence to the filmmaker!) Generally I was unimpressed (too critical I guess), but the audience obviously enjoyed themselves, so I’d say it was a great success!

(Addendum: Ditching the after party and opting for anti-social falafels instead, Chris, Steve and I had a yak session. Steve and I agreed to forcedly ensure that we both make minute movies next year. So once I get a new computer, I will have no excuses! Now that it's in writing, y'all better hold me to it!)

Now I’m looking forward to a weekend of sleeping, sleeping and more sleeping, french toast, some troublemaking with Mariana, my new Robbie Williams DVD, some tv catch-up, and maybe, just maybe an X-box showdown!

I'd give my big toe for some quiet time...

There's WAY too much drama here today, and everyone seems to think it's their business. I on the other hand, have been working hard to update the website before one of the three people who actually look at it call and complain. Ok, I just had to leave the office because it got so noisy in here with people shouting at each other! (We all share a small office area with each other and with anyone who happens to walk in) It's one of those days where there is so much gossip to circulate, that everyone feels the need to shout. Apparently the louder you talk, the more people will take your side.

I finished reading "Guide" by Dennis Cooper last night. It's the 2nd last in a series of which I only have the final book to read. I'm not sure I'd recommend his books to anyone, mostly because of the gruesome content (like underage gay sadomasochistic sex ending with death/disembowelment being filmed for a porn/snuff film.) So why do I like his books? It’s the structure and the misleading way the stories are told. They’re all about point of view and how people interpret events. The narrative of "Frisk" revolves around a character misreading an incident, which ends up shaping the rest of his life, and therefore also misleading the reader. There is usually a "character"/narrator named Dennis Cooper who writes from the point of view of the author (who is Dennis Cooper.) Does that make any sense? The line between truth and reality is seriously blurred. I’d like to be clearer, but unfortunately I can’t seem to concentrate today. (Yap yap yap yap!) Go figure. That’s what I get for blogging at work!

I'm Afraid of Americans.

According to Find Your Spot.com, (if I were to move to the US) I should live in Seattle(Washington), (Johnny)Knoxville(Tennessee) or Cincinnati(Ohio). I know for a fact that Cincinnati is a hole! Maybe this is all a ploy to get people to move there, because half of the buildings downtown are abandoned. Many moons ago, Candi-Ass, Emma and I drove the nine hours there just to see Our Lady Peace (who suck now by the way) in a teeny, tiny redneck bar called Top Cats. We drove there without a map or directions with the assumption our karma would lead us to our hotel. It did.

My World: Population 1

I took my QAF disc back to the store last night, and apparently it can be fixed somewhere in Mississauga. So I left with no disc and no refund, and a hope that they remember who I am when I go back to get it! Other things that disturbed me yesterday…….the USD exchange rate was 1.176500!!! So much for that trip to Buffalo…AND the building that used to house every movie I watched in the 80’s and early 90’s (in Napanee) is being turned into housing for mental patients!!! What the f*ck is that? Back in the day, Head’s Video Corner was the best (and only) place to rent videos in Napanee. But small town video store selection it was definitely not. They had a horror section that puts to shame almost every rental place in Toronto, and I watched every single one of them. Now it’ll be a horror of a different kind. It does frighten me that they actually need housing for crazies in a town with a population just over 5000 (I guess that explains me). There it is Erik – 5000! Not 15,000, which is only inflation brought on by the amalgamation of all towns within a 45-minute drive (I count by travel time, not km) into a town called Greater Napanee. F*ck that shit! Napanee is still Napanee, Selby is still Selby and Adolphustown is still Adolphustown. This whole discussion was provoked by Much Music saying, “Avril Lavigne is from Napanee, Ontario, Population 15,000”. Are you as offended as I am Avril? I know it seems irrational because really, it’s just a number, but I didn’t spend 17 years in a small town, only to be told as an adult that my hometown isn’t really that small. Have ya’ll been to Napanee? My old high school is about 20 feet away from my old public school. Literally.

Mondays suck the big one.

I spent Friday evening with Erik and his nutty cousins Thyson and Nichole, and her dog-on-speed (hence the name) Diesel (the miniature Doberman Pincer nicknamed Schnitzel by Thyson, shortened to Schnitz by Nichole, and bastardized into Schnitzy by me). While waiting for Nichole we watched the Two Towers (but sadly it was full screen because it was on tv) and Thyson convinced me to try his Nitwit Juice (Ring Berry Ale). It was berry flavoured and came in a big brown jug – boy was it tasty! Much better then that Guinness-soy-sauce crap we still have at home. Nichole arrived and we went to Pickering to the suckiest craft show ever! It wasn’t even really a show, just one vendor with a whole lot of stuff, and they charged us $5 each to get in! I didn’t buy anything (big surprise), but Erik bought a fake tree to decorate that night (after much argu - I mean discussion with Nichole….Aries + Aries = trouble!) So Erik pulled out his Christmas crap, put on the Mini-pops Christmas tape (big surprise) and we smothered the tree in lights and decorations more sentimental then attractive. It still didn’t put me in the jolly mood. I think my Christmas spirit flew away. We started a bunch of movies but they all sucked (Gigli = boredom + confusion, Luke + Kate = Alex + Emma = ya lost me after the opening credits, and Rogers porn = lame, lame, lame). And even less entertaining was the lightly done, extra sauce/cheese pizza soup we needed spoons to eat.

Saturday I cleaned my room and the kitchen, and did some laundry, including an experiment on my duvet with the label reading: under no circumstances should you try to wash this garment yourself. Apparently (according to my mom, and I believe everything she tells me, even if she forgets what she’s said) the only real problem with washing it yourself is making sure all the feathers inside are completely dry, or you’ll end up growing mould. Ewe. Two hours and $4 later, I think it’s dry! Later that night 3QF converged and went to D-Cock’s (birthday) party. It was packed full of people we didn’t know, so being the social-retards we are, we mostly talked to each other. When we left you could actually see the stars, a rarity in T.O.!

Sunday I spent with my mom being lazy and drinking coffee. I’m attempting to knit a scarf with (gasp) a pattern on it, so she helped me start it. Then I went home, finished Arrested Development (which decidedly kicks ass!) and started Queer as Folk (UK). As an end to my “spectacular” weekend, I’ve discovered that the last ½ hour of the first disc is f*cked, so now I have to take it back where I will most certainly NOT get a replacement, as I bought it used. At least my new Robbie Williams DVD was shipped from Amazon today, so I should have it by the end of the week.

Over and out.

My cacti believe in Christmas.

The only plants I ever seem to not kill are Christmas cacti, (although my leafy-green-will grow-in-a-jar-of-water-and-then-die-when-I-try-to-replant-you plant seems to be surviving in dirt). My cacti are celebrating early, and all of them have big red buds on them, ready to bloom (unless of course the evil-but-cute Zam/Sam eat them). So basically my plants are more excited about Christmas then I am! It’s hard to be Santa-happy when you work at a Synagogue. I did get my first dose of cheer while picking up Starf*cks coffee the other day. They have some pretty cute and tasty (not at the same time) stuff. It made me miss the mass merchandising evenings when we’d block off half the store, crank up the carols, and do the big Christmas set-up thing.

(A side note – one of my co-workers has completely lost her voice, so I’ve had to interpret a couple of phone calls for her. What joy. I don’t think people quite believe me because they keep saying, “just let me talk to her myself”. You won’t hear her! Duh! Plus I just had to “solve” the “problem” of printing two pages back to back for not one but TWO people who have spent the last 10 minutes trying to figure out how to do it!)

Geez, now I’m all distracted with work. Go figure. Maybe I should get back to it. And in case ya’ll were wondering, I will keep up the blog even after bossy returns. They DO give me an hour for lunch ya know! Maybe I’ll even hijack one of the roomies computers and blog on the weekend!

(PS Kate has the best hat ever! Scooby-Doo! On her head!)

Pass the Nitwit Juice! (That’s beer in Gilmore speak)

Props to my mom for recognising “we can slide away” as oasis lyrics, but unfortunately she didn’t read my blog because she thought I had spent the day looking at an Oasis website! I think she’s going to start one now, either about knitting or her cat. I spent last night at her place watching Gilmore Girls (as we do every Wednesday when everyone else is watching Lost) and torturing the weasel (her cat, Campbell). His new fun thing is sniffing little holes in the wall and going absolutely nuts. There must be a body in there…probably the last tenant.

I broke down yesterday and ordered another Robbie Williams DVD. That will be the fourth (and hopefully final) one I have purchased in the last six weeks. It took a while, but my blind hatred of him has turned into obsession. The live in Knebworth DVD totally converted me. It was the BEST CONCERT EVER! (That I didn’t actually attend) I’m totally jonesing to see him in concert now, but I think it’ll be a while before he tours again, if he even comes to Canada. (But just for the record, I’d rather see Oasis again!)

D’ya wanna hear more about all the tv I’ve been watching? I’m almost finished Season 1 of Arrested Development. It’s quite funny, and structurally very interesting. (Plus it’s widescreen!) I just hope they don’t cancel it. Chris and Matt will be happy to hear that I just watched the last episode of Monarch of the Glen. I’m kind of torn about this show. I absolutely love the characters and the setting, but the writing season to season is very inconsistent. Series 1, 2 and 4 were funnier, more emotional, and way more interesting than 3 and 5. I wonder when they’ll air Series 6? But the funniest show on tv right now has got to be Coupling. I love the way it plays with point of view and twists the context of the characters conversations. Much like men and women do. I’ve seen one episode of Spooks, an intense British show about spies. I’ll watch a couple more episodes before I decide whether or not I’ll continue watching. I think for every American show I’ve abandoned, I’ve picked up a BBC show in its place, mostly ‘cause, well, the Brits do it best!

Tired of Lukewarm Christianity?

Geez, I had every intention of venting my hatred for the TTC and bitching about how twice this week it's taken an hour and 40 minutes to get to work, but I opened my Email and found a silly "Are you a child of the 90's?" poll from Erik and got all nostalgic and forgot about my ball of anger. Thanks Erik, who sadly (?) only got 7/51 of the references. Although I'm really a child of the 80's, my teenage years are much easier to remember. (And I was a big pop culture geek)

You are a child of the early 90s if...
1.) You know who Leonardo, Michelangelo, Raphael and Donatello are.
And the Garbage Pail Kids.
2.) You owned a pair of SKID-Z.
I was never a shoe person.
3.) You religiously watched 90210, Melrose Place, Party of Five, and My So-Called Life.
All four religiously baby!
4.) You tight-rolled your jeans.
Ewe - yes, with saftey pins too.
5.) You wore big hoop earrings.
Most of my earrings were big coloured cats.
6.) You thought bellbottoms were horrible and couldn't understand why anyone would've ever worn them.
Sadly yes.
7.) You watched Dial MTV, and remember who Nelson, Slaughter, Warrant, and Winger were.
I'm Canadian, so it was all about MuchMusic, but I do remember the above cock-rockers.
8.) You knew how to do the dances called the MC Hammer, the Roger Rabbit,and the running man.
Sure I do, but i'm not offering a demonstration.
9.) You owned a pair of K-Swiss, Keds, or Air Jordans.
Again with the shoes!
10.) You thought "Ice Ice Baby" was the coolest song ever, and when your parents told you Vanilla Ice would be a shot in the pan, you refused to believe them.
Robert VanWinkle was a god!
11.) You remember when they played "I'm Proud to be an American" every 15 minutes during the Gulf War.
Again, Canadian.
12.) Your bangs were at least 4 inches high, and you thought it looked good.
And they were stiffer than a gay man on Church street. (Sorry mom!)
13.) A hairdryer was required to set your hair.
Well, just the bangs!
14.) You rolled up the sleeves of your t-shirts, and tucked in the front, letting the back hang out.
Only when I did the MC Hammer.
15.) You had any "No Fear" or "B.U.M." clothing.
I wear B.U.M. now. Does that count?
16.) You wore 2 pairs of neon colored socks.
How about an entire outfit in neon?
17.) You wore overalls with only one side connected.
Jump around. Jump, jump around.
18.) You had Electric Youth perfume.
Exclaimation!
19.) You remember when cartoons were actually GOOD, and not scary like the Teletubbies.
I miss the good old days of Gummi Bears, Rainbow Brite and Muppet Babies.
20.) You loved to slow dance to Power Ballads.
On the rare occasion someone would ask me.
21.) You had a "snap bracelet".
'Cause violence and jewellry always go hand-in-hand...
22.) You wore your sweatpants pulled up to your knees.
Sweatpants in public? Are you crazy?
23.) You had a black Debbie Gibson hat.
No, but that was the 80's.
24.) You wanted to be just like Paula Abdul.
Straight up!
25.) You know the words to "The Humpty Dance".
"Alright stop what you're doing, cause i'm about to ruin the image and the style that you're used to..."
26.) You owned the Bell Biv DeVoe tape.
And Boys II Men.
27.) You said, "SIKE!" or "WAY!"
I never used slang! (SIKE!)
28.) You saw "Wayne's World" at least 2 times at the theater.
Who doesn't love Mike Meyers?
29.) You loved the New Kids (and Joey was probably your favorite.)
You know me too well, but Jordan's my favorite now.
30.) You wore jeans pulled up to your navel.
Huh?
31.) All of your clothes were "baggy".
This one sort of contradicts the pulled up jeans and biker shorts, doesn't it?
32.) You owned a pair of biker shorts.
Several, but I only wore them with baggy t-shirts.
33.) You wore "water shoes" into the pool.
I just bought my first pair this summer...
34.) You had a boom box, or your stereo was a weird color like pink.
Mine was hot pink with shimmering purple speakers!
35.) You bought tapes instead of CDs.
Only until I could afford CD's!
36.) You never missed "Fresh Prince".
NEVER EVER.
37.) You or someone you knew who wore "Cross-Colors" clothing.
I think they were probably too cool for small town Napanee.
38.) You remember when TLC weren't divas, and they dressed like they were in the circus.
Aren't they related to the Ringling Brothers?
39.) You thought "I'm Too Sexy" was such a cool song.
AND I used it in my first Super8 film at York U.
40.) You "busted a move" while C&C Music Factory was playing.
And I still do.
41.) You remember when Mark Wahlberg was part of "Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch".
AND made a fad out of exposing his underwear...
42.) You owned a silk shirt, which you tucked into your jeans.
Peach, turquoise, red.....
43.) You had jeans in various colors, like green, brown, black...
My favorites were my purple jeans and my turquoise/white striped "Fame" jeans.
44.) You had a "Button Your Fly" t-shirt.
No one advertises on my tits.
45.) You had a Ren and Stimpy t-shirt.
See above.
46.) You thought long-haired heavy metal bands would never go out of style.
No, but Steve and Bridget did/still do.
47.) You were addicted to Nintendo.
I never couldn't get past world 2-1 on Super Mario Brothers without the help of my brother.
48.) There were multiple rubber bands on your pony tail.
Nearly put my eye out!
49.) You gave the "peace" sign all the time.
Only because the New Kids did it.
50.) You loved Beavis and Butthead.
"I am the great Corn-holio! I need TP for my bung hole! Nyaaaaaa!"
51.) You wore clear "jelly shoes" with neon socks underneath.
The shoes were pink, but the nuclear socks underneath still glowed through.
52.) If you were a guy, you had your hair shaved underneath and you parted it down the middle. Not a guy (the last time i checked).

Boy I miss the 90's.

Anyone fancy a trip to Manchester?

OASIS have been regained their crown as the pre-eminent rock band in Britain after they sold an estimated 250,000 tickets this morning for live shows next summer.

Na obliviscaris / Troimh

Inspired by last nights viewing of Monarch of the Glen (S5 E9), I’ve dug up some history on my family, the Campbell clan (my grandmother) and the Hamilton clan (my grandfather) and our sworn enemies!

Scotland is divided into two areas, the Highlands and the Lowlands. The Campbell clan is of the largest of the Highland clans, and the Hamilton clan is the most important of the Lowland clans. (Mof theG centres on the MacDonald clan) The Campbells are still remembered for the massacre of 38 MacDonalds in Glencoe on 12 February 1692, in an act of treachery. (Chris is a MacLean) The MacLeans were united with their Campbell in-laws in a mutual dislike of the MacDonald clan, one of the most powerful families in the Western Isles.

Do Not Forget (Campbell motto)/ Through (Hamilton motto)

The Zebra strikes again!

I'm link happy. Deal with it. Chris is just jealous he hasn't figured out how to do it himself!

(I relinked all of my "interests" to more appropriate places, because I really don't care who shares MY interests!)

Now is that a FULL F*CK? or F*CK to the 4th degree?

Apparently our Captain (F*ck) has the power to draw us out of our cozy little 3QF habitat at the sound of his voice, away from the tv marathon of shows that must be watched before our PVR upgrade, away from the heat that is (finally) blowing through our vents, and me, out of my pyjamas.........Welcome back Davey, from the black land of rotten shark and 24 hour party people - have you slept yet?

I'm sorry. I really don't get THE FAMILY GUY. It's not funny to me! Maybe Chris's essay will clarify things...

(Note to those of you who have yet to leave the house - or get out of bed yet - it is f*cking freezing outside! Wear your mittens!)

One of US! One of US! One of US!

Well y’all, I finally have a blog! (Now all I need is an ipod! :P””””) MAYBE it will force me to write more, although I still feel traumatized by my grade three teacher making us write in a journal every morning. Most of my entries went like this:

Monday, November 5, 1984
It is Monday today. I hate writing in a journal every day. Maybe if I write really slowly the teacher won’t notice I have nothing to say. It’s still Monday. Blah blah blah blah. Keep writing. Five more minutes. Karen keeps trying to see what I’m writing. Maybe I should tell her this isn’t a test. It’s cold out today. I hope it snows…….

And you get the point. Boy things have NOT changed!

Monday, November 8, 2004
It’s Monday morning. I must write in my blog every day. Maybe if I concentrate really hard no one will notice I’m not working. Why is it still Monday? Blah blah blah blah. Keep typing. I have all the time in the world. Hayley keeps looking at my computer screen to see what I’m writing. Maybe I should tell her to f*ck off. It’s cold out today. I hope it snows……..

OK. Let’s rewind.
(Actually I need another cup of coffee…..)
Vreeeeeeeeeemmmmmmmmm. (That’s the sound of a VHS tape rewinding, archaic as it may be…..) After work on Friday, Erik and I went to see THE GRUDGE. I think it was scary. It was hard to tell what with the mass of hysterical screaming teenagers and all. Things have definitely changed. When I was a teenager, putting my feet on the back of a chair was enough for Conan-the-usher to threaten to evict me from the theatre! There were three in particular yakking right behind my head who responded to my plea for silence with “No way! Everyone else is talking, why shouldn’t we?” and then proceeded to talk more and more. And the pimply-faced usher was no help – he didn’t have the balls to go near them or ask them to quiet down. Despite all that, the movie was entertaining. Although it’s always disheartening to see a superhero whimper like a helpless girly-girl and run like a lame sheep. (“Baaaaa, I’m scared! -SMG) After the movie we took a spin in Erik’s (uninsured) Grand Am, and picked a place to eat in like 30 seconds. (That’s probably a record for us. It normally takes several hours of debate to agree on a place to eat, and on occasion we’d take so long we’d just give up all together and go home hungry!) I think we were just being lazy. And the night would not have been complete without a trip to the other evil W, Walmart. I managed to leave the store with no dvd’s, just a new alarm clock for my mom who drowned her current clock in a cup of coffee.

Speaking of coffee and my mom (quell surprise!), I spent Saturday afternoon with her drinking coffee, shopping, drinking more coffee, and then more shopping. I hit the dvd jackpot, when somewhere between my sale being rung up and actually handing the money over my thrifty $18 purchase swelled into a $118 purchase! I was buying EVIL DEAD II and CHOPPING MALL when I spotted the original QUEER AS FOLK discs behind the counter. Score! They were half the price of the discs if they had been new.
I got home with just enough time to do laundry (the most evil and wretchedly annoying thing in the world - next to peas) before a Thai dinner with the roomies (Chris & Matt), the roomie-in-law (Kate), cock-rock loving Steve, and his perpetually-in-a-state-of-happies girlfriend Bridget. I love Scorpios. They’re so much fun and always cheerful. AND they like to make monkey noises in public. We went back to 3QF after dinner to hang. Bridget decided that Guinness tastes exactly like soy sauce and after tasting it myself decided that it would be best put to use making my hair shiny and manageable. I’ll stick to the rum thanks… After everyone left, Chris and I had a gossip – I mean “discussion” that did not include the acting abilities of Keanu Reeves. I started watching CHOPPING MALL in the hopes that it would be at least half as good as when I watched it as a kid.

Sunday I had a reunion with an old high school friend I haven’t seen for years and years. I haven’t stayed in touch with anyone from Napanee, so sometimes I feel a little disjointed from my past. It was never quite intentional, but when I left there and started a new life here I gradually either lost touch with everyone or decided to break off bad friendships. There are a lot of people I would love to see again, but I’ve changed and I can imagine many of them have not. I do, however, believe that if you are meant to maintain friendships with people, fate will just bring you together, as it has for me several times. So I ran into Erin on Yonge street a month or two ago, and we finally got together yesterday. I think it was therapeutic for both of us, because she broke off her Napanee ties too. We spent 4 ½ hrs back in time and between the two of us have still only managed to keep tabs on a small percentage of the N.D.S.S. population. We have a small town understanding of each other that no one here can understand. Like the reminiscing of past disastrous relationships (the guy that dumped her for his own cousin, impregnated her not once, but twice, and then beat her up. No joke.), like the glory of the Sandbanks in Picton, like how nothing compares to the horror section at Heads video, like the unpenetrable guy-group we both somehow managed to penetrate (her into their D&D games, me into their hangout at the fantasy XXX video store). When I went home I immediately cracked open my old yearbooks and photo albums.

P.S. It’s snowing! It’s snowing! It’s snowing!